Grieving the death of a parent is often considered a natural part of life. But there are added layers of complexity when you had a difficult or estranged relationship.
Author
- Lauren Breen
Professor of Psychology, Curtin University
This week former tennis star Jelena Dokic confirmed the death of her father and former coach Damir, whose verbal, physical and emotional abuse she revealed in 2009 and further detailed in her 2017 autobiography . They had been estranged for a decade.
In a social media post on Thursday, Dokic wrote about her "conflicting and complex emotions and feelings" around his death:
no matter how how hard, difficult and in the last 10 years even non existent [sic] our relationship and communication was, it is never easy losing a parent […] The loss of an estranged parent comes with a difficult and complicated grief.
Dokic's news is a reminder that, when a parent dies, not all of us get to grieve a stable, warm and comforting relationship.
As in her case, a strained relationship might even be marked by maltreatment or abuse. Relinquishing contact can sometimes be the best, albeit difficult, choice.
When the parent dies, the loss can feel surprisingly complex. We may be grieving both the literal death of the parent and the figurative death, of what should have been - what we wished for and desired.
Death can spark more than sadness
Grief is not a single emotion . Usually, it involves a combination of many. Common feelings can include sadness, guilt, anger and even relief.
In sharing her social media post, Dokic has said among conflicting emotions she's chosen to "focus on a good memory".
Grief can reach beyond feelings. It can disrupt eating and sleeping habits and impair memory and concentration.
Deaths can also affect relationships.
For example, when grieving, someone might receive a lot of social support from family, friends and colleagues. But for others, the support they'd like might not be forthcoming. The lack of support is yet another loss and is linked to worse physical and mental health .
Family members may also react in different ways. It might be jarring or alienating if your sibling responds differently, for example by sharing fond memories of a parent you found harsh and distant.
A death can also affect your financial standing. A grieving person may be burdened with outstanding bills and funeral payments. Or the impact can be positive, via windfalls from insurance and inheritance.
What if I don't feel sad?
With grief, it's OK to feel how you feel. You might think you're grieving the "wrong" way, but it can be helpful to remember there are no strict rules about how to grieve "right".
Be gentle on yourself. And give other family members, who may have had a different relationship with the parent and therefore grieve differently, the same courtesy.
It's also OK to feel conflicted about going to the funeral.
In this case, take the time to think through the pros and cons of attending. It might be helpful in processing your grief and in receiving support. Or you might feel that attending would be too difficult or emotionally unsafe for you.
If you choose to attend, it can help to go with someone who can support you through it.
In an estranged relationship, the adult child might not even find out about the death of the parent for many weeks or months afterwards. This means there is no option of attending the funeral or other mourning rituals. Consider making your own rituals to help process the loss and grief.
What if I do feel sad - but still hurt?
It can be really confusing to feel sad about the death of a parent with whom we had a difficult, strained or violent relationship.
Identifying where these conflicting thoughts and feelings come from can help.
You might need to acknowledge and grieve the loss of your parent, the loss of the parent-child relationship you deserved, and even the loss of hoped-for apologies and reconnections.
In many cases, it is a combination of these losses that can make the grief more challenging.
It may also be difficult to get the social support you need from family, friends and colleagues.
These potential helpers might be unaware of the difficulties you experienced in the relationship, or incorrectly believe troubled relationships are easier to grieve.
It can feel like a taboo to speak ill of the dead, but it might be helpful to be clear about the relationship and your needs so that people can support you better.
In fact, grieving the death of people with whom we have challenging, conflicting or even abusive relationships can lead to more grief than the death of those with whom we shared a warm, loving and more straightforward relationship.
If the loss is particularly difficult and your grief doesn't change and subside over time, seek support from your general practitioner. They might be able to recommend a psychologist or counsellor with expertise in grief.
Alternatively, you can find certified bereavement practitioners who have specialised training in grief support online or seek telephone support from Griefline on 1300 845 745.
Lauren Breen receives funding from Healthway and has previously received funding from Wellcome Trust, Australian Research Council, Department of Health (Western Australia), Silver Chain, iCare Dust Diseases Board (New South Wales), and Cancer Council (Western Australia). She is on the board of Lionheart Camp for Kids, is a member of Grief Australia, and a Fellow of the Australian Psychological Society.
