A team of Rochester psychologists reveals the truth about honesty in answering tough questions.
"Honey, do you think I look good in this outfit?" That's hands down a loaded question. One that begs an even deeper question-is honesty always the best policy in a relationship? While a truthful answer may offend and lead to a quarrel, a dishonest one may create trust issues down the road. Does telling the truth strengthen romantic relationships, or does it backfire?
Bonnie Le, an assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Rochester, may have the answer-based on a recent study with more than 200 couples. Published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, her team's research looks at the role of honesty in romantic relationships.
The study, based on face-to-face conversations between romantic partners in a lab setting, examined the effects of expressing honesty, perceiving honesty, and accurately discerning honesty among romantic partners who shared so-called relationship-threatening information. Specifically, the study participants talked in one-on-one conversations with their partners about a change they wanted to see in the other.
The finding? Just tell the truth.
Of course, most of us value honesty in our close relationships, romantic or not. Honesty can help create a connection and foster closeness; yet it can also hurt our partners when we share potentially threatening information, such as, "I really dislike when you do x," or, "I wish you'd do y instead."
But, in the long run, expressed and perceived honesty has several positive effects, according to the Rochester team.
"We found that being more honest in expressing a desired change predicted greater personal and relationship well-being for both partners, as well as greater partner motivation to change in the moment," says Le. "The same pattern emerged when the person receiving a request to change perceived honesty in their partner, regardless of whether their partner was being honest or not."
Le, together with Rochester graduate students Princeton Chee, Claire Shimshock, and Jenny Le, discovered that even if partners in a relationship don't perfectly understand or accurately perceive each other's honesty, the simple act of expressing honesty and being perceived as honest by the other partner has a positive effect on the relationship and contributes to its overall well-being. Essentially, the effort to be truthful matters more than flawless accuracy in its perception.
"These results collectively suggest that being honest and seeing honesty in a partner can benefit relationships," says Le. "Even when the truth may hurt."
One caveat: These findings are based on a sample of couples in relatively good relationships, according to Le. Future research might look at whether the same pattern holds true for distressed couples.
